Just A Number

This is a post I shared on facebook:

03.05.12

Losing weight. What an emotional, exhausting roller coaster. In August of 2011 I decided that I had wasted enough time being overweight an unhappy. I wanted to be healthy. Almost seven months later I've lost a pretty large amount of weight and I find myself baffled.

Losing the weight was supposed to make everything all better. Like magic, I was to feel skinny and wonderful. You see, the thing about setting a goal and a date that you'd like to reach that goal by is, there is a possibility those two things will not happen in the time you desired.

I do feel much better. I have energy, I have an ever growing love for my treadmill (I desire to be a runner, they're just so stinking cool!), I have a new relationship with food, and I am happier.

I am also stalled. I've been stalled for a few weeks. Now, I don't know if you have ever been on a diet with a particular goal and date in mind so let me explain something; stalls flipping suck! One day you're just walking along, losing weight and feeling like you're this amazing being... shedding pounds, then reality. For whatever reason my body has decided that I'm done losing for right now and it is so annoying.

Stall. Stalled. Stalling.
Suck. Sucked. Sucking.

Well, curses! I don't want to be stalled!!

The frustration has been building and I'm **annoying/grumpy/moody/emotional** feeling like I'm slamming my face into a brick wall. Repeatedly.

That number, I just want to reach it. It is right there and I can't have it. So naturally I'm acting like a bratty child that didn't get their ice cream. Only I just want some almonds and cheese.

Tonight on pinterest I came across a pin that simply says "You are more important than this number." with a picture of a scale.

My first thought wasn't "Well, duh!" it was more along the lines of "Maybe if that number was the right one."

Hello, completely warped diet brain, so good to see you!

Really?

Would I allow my daughter to have that attitude towards her body? No. So why is it okay for me to have that attitude towards myself?

The weight I've lost, the inches I've shed - not small accomplishments.

So the number on the scale isn't where I want it to be, will it ever be?

Is the goal to be healthy or to be skinny? Do I like my curves or not? Am I happy with myself, or am I going to continue down a path of putting myself down. Will being a 0 make me happy?

Now, none of this makes it less annoying that I seem completely unable to lose right now. It doesn't mean I don't still want to reach my goal. It does mean that I should probably cut myself (and those that have to listen to my never ending ramblings) a break.

Run. I should run because I enjoy it and it's good for me.

Healthy eating. I should eat healthy because eating the crap I ate before leaves me feeling like, well, crap.

Enjoy my accomplishments. I should give myself some credit for what I have accomplished. I could still be heavier and unhealthy cramming hot fries and sweet tea down my throat!

(I just asked Ryan to go get me some hot fries, he said no; I love him.)

Set an example. I should show my daughters that healthy is what you want. Skin and bones is not attractive. It IS okay to have hips and some curves. Just be healthy and happy with yourself.

I'm not saying when I wake up and weigh myself in the morning I'm not going to sigh when I see the same number I've been seeing, I'm human and probably a bit shallow, but maybe I will move on with my day and not let that number dictate my mood and level of happiness all day.

This dieting stuff is hard. I feel like I've been on a journey that is changing me and the way I view healthy. Maybe I will be able to help someone one day.

No matter the outcome, reality checks are always a good thing and I was a bit overdue.

Still heading towards my goal, but trying to be content with where I am because it's better than where I was.

Now, who is going to sneak me some almonds?

Seven Day Cleanse

3.26.12
Day One: Fruits. I was able to eat as much fruit as I desired today. The plan suggests sticking with mostly watermelon and cantaloupe so I did, but I also had some grapes and pineapple. Pineapple has never tasted so good! I wasn't hungry at all, but I felt drained and tired; according to the plan, this is to be expected. I was able to drink the 10 required waters (not an easy task for me) and run on the treadmill. I really had to push myself on the treadmill. So I ran faster than I normally would so I could get off more quickly!
I ran 3.107 miles in 24 minutes and 18 seconds, best time so far! I just kept the treadmill at 7.0, 7.5, and 8.0 MPH and ran my little legs off!
I didn't lose any weight, but I'm just trying to stay positive. This is about cleansing myself and feeling better after the 7 days, not about the pounds.

Day Two: Vegetables. I'll let you know.

Changes

That is me so far. The picture on the left was taken (without my knowledge) and posted to our church's website. I honestly felt like I couldn't breathe when I saw it.

That is not me. I do not look like that!

It was me and I was that big, pictures don't lie. The image of me that I had in my head was bigger, but I didn't look puffy and lumpy! I can actually remember that day and thinking "I'm having a good day, I don't look too bad.".

That is the picture that made me step back and really look at myself and how I was allowing myself to get out of control. I knew it was time to make some changes.

The mind is such an interesting thing. How did I not see this when I looked in the mirror? I can remember feeling good on this day, too. It was a new shirt, skirt, and pair of shoes. I knew I was bigger than I should have been, but I didn't realize how big I had gotten.

Food: I was in denial. I didn't eat a lot. No, honestly, but what I was eating was the problem. McDonald's, Burger King, pizza, Mexican, Chinese, pastries, homemade cookies, cakes, and pies! Pasta dishes lathered in olive oil, a cheeseburger followed by a hot dog because family was over and it was time to eat good food.

Excuses: It's my birthday. It's the kids birthdays! It's Saturday morning. I need comfort food. I have been good all week, I DESERVE it! I've already had three cookies, what's one more?

I decided to do a strict diet. HCG. I received so much negative from anyone and everyone who knew I was on this diet. Thankfully, I also received a lot of support. I just kept at it and that is how I lost 70 pounds from August 2011 to March 2012. It is a hard diet, but gives you a quick wake up call. Those cravings for those foods, it's all mental. You don't need it.

I am a bored eater. I wonder through the house and work and I grab chips here, a cookie there. Not because I'm hungry or because I need it, I don't. I have learned to stop and think about whether or not I am actually hungry; 9 times out of 10 I am just bored. I have also learned that if I want something crunchy, apples work just as good as chips. If I want something sweet, watermelon makes me feel better than chocolate. On days that I am really craving things that are bad for me, a handful of almonds can work wonders.

Now, these smart decisions do not always win, but I figure if they are winning more than the donuts and cupcakes, I'm doing better than I was.

I am making healthier food choices, doing aerobics, yoga, and running and I feel better than I have in years.

I am currently doing a cleanse in an attempt to cleanse my body and my mind. I am going to do short daily blogs about it. It is a 7 day cleanse.

I am setting new goals for myself daily. I am thrilled when I complete a goal and am working on not beating myself up when I don't.

As long as I am making changes to be a better, healthier me... I am going to work on accepting myself and being happy for what I have accomplished vs worrying and stressing over what I'm not. I'll get there, it just might not be today.